This gooey mess is what you are working towards

CHEATER'S BANOFFEE PIE

WHAT YOU NEED

(in no particular order) 

1 tin condensed milk of your choice

1 packet cookies

 2 tsp butter (optional, read recipe)

4-5 bananas

A cow, or a packet of milk

A couple of utensils

Some cling film

A pack of something, such as peas or dal 

A fridge with a working freezer

The Hulk/food processor/mixer

Non-diabetic and hungry friends and/or family

WHAT TO DO:

• Put a can of condensed milk into a bath of water, set on a heat source, and let it boil for four hours. You may do anything that takes your fancy during this time, including but not limited to cleaning, cooking, candle-making, finalizing plans of world dominion... Just make sure the water level stays high.
• In the meantime, take a packet of cream cookies and give it to the Hulk. If the Hulk is busy smashing other things, it is ok to blitz said cookies in a mixer. If you are a wuss who’s afraid of cream cookies, use crackers, but add butter to bind the pulverised mess. 
• Now, take a deepish dish and spoon the cookie mess into a layer. Press down to pack it properly, and make sure you bring it up to the sides of the dish. This will be your “pie” base. Cover the base layer with cling film, with give to weight it down. Dump a couple of packets of frozen peas or a cup of any uncooked dal onto the cling film, and put in freezer until toffee is ready. The weight will give the base definition, and pack it hard. It is NOT ok to use dumbbells as weights here.
• When your condensed milk is thoroughly boiled, dunk it into a cold bath to allow it to let off some steam. Then, take it out carefully if you don’t want to get burnt. Give it some space and time to cool on its own. Do not rush this process.
• Rather than twiddling your thumbs, you may spend the intervening time to chop up some bananas and arrange them on the base (after removing the cling film). Replace the cling film (straight across the top of the dish this time) and put back in freezer.
• Once the can has cooled, gently prise open the lid. You will find that your condensed milk has magically turned into toffee.  
• Take the banoffee base out of the freezer and remove the cling film.
• Gently spread the toffee onto your layer of bananas.
• This part is usually hard and requires plenty of skill, since bananas are squishy and toffee isn’t. However, this is a cheater’s recipe. So simply scoop out about half the toffee and blitz in the mixer. This gives it a more pliable consistency. If you are still having trouble spreading the toffee, add milk to the mix, one teaspoon at a time, until you get an easy-to-work-with consistency.
• Continue to layer the bananas and toffee till you reach the top of the dish. Cover the whole thing with cling foil and stick in fridge until you are ready to eat it. 
• Theoretically, this pie CAN last for a few days when refrigerated. However, this cheater’s fridge is regularly raided by very hungry people with major sweet-tooth issues, meaning practical testing has not been possible.

 Serving info: will depend on the size of your dish, the number of banana/toffee layers, and how hungry you/your guests are.

Alternatively, put cookies, toffee and bananas into a processor with some milk for a yummy banoffee pie smoothie